Looking around the house, there are cleaning gloves draped over the mailbox. Old lightbulbs on the dresser. Clothes I grew out of years ago are sitting on my drafting table or shoved onto the lowest shelf of the liquor cabinet.
Saturdays are supposed to be my housework day. Today I did some laundry, cleaned the toilet, sicked the Roomba on the nursery, and cleaned the spa filter, but not much more. I can't explain where my evening went. I was supposed to do work, but instead I surfed the net for God-knows-what.
I wake up disproportionately tired most mornings, on account of the alcohol I had the night before. I'm only supposed to drink on the weekends, but I actually have a beer or two most weeknights.
I'm currently panicking because I can't locate some lab testing sheets from earlier this year. I don't know who I gave them to, if anyone at all. There are blue sheets all over my desk, old reports, calcs that should have been filed long ago. I work 50 hours or more a week, but still have trouble filling out my timesheet.
My house, my work, my life is a mess.
I need to get organized. To make it a way of life, to employ structure and planning long before I start any task.
I spaz out a lot. My older colleagues often refer to it as "enthusiasm". It's part of what makes me charming to some people, but it also sabotages me. I cling to the first thought that comes to me, as if it will slip away if I don't grab onto it for dear life. This is my habit. I dumb down concepts that are necessarily complex. I jump right into tasks thinking Great, I'll be billable and this will be a good way to show how efficient I am. Rarely considering that maybe I would be more efficient if I took a step back and tried to view the project in the big picture.
I don't often take the time to find or figure things out for myself. This makes me look ignorant to clients. It annoys my boss. When I do take time, I often feel like I'm spinning my wheels and simply not doing things correctly because I need a lot of guidance. This would be fine if I wasn't married and a mom. I wouldn't trade the husband, the baby, or the life I have for anything. Certainly not for work. Yet I can't help but care when people are disappointed in me because I didn't track my budgets and schedule carefully. It's not that people expect much of me, it's just that I drop the ball on the few things they entrust me with, because I put so much pressure on myself to get everything done that I don't do anything thoroughly.
What I Want to Be:
- Methodical. To be able to view each project holistically, prioritize tasks, and perform each task within the time allotted.
- Consistent. To make and take the time to put things away where they're supposed to go, scan papers, ensure that everything on my to-do list actually gets written down and checked off after completion.
- Efficient. To not waste time looking for things that were misplaced or doing tasks that are unnecessary.
